All your friends and sedatives mean well, but make it worse

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 06:41:41 GMT

:) <-- me

Let's try not to fuck this one up, eh?

You make me happy

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:39:48 GMT

oh, when skies are grey.
The clock's heart, it hangs inside its open chest
With hands stretched toward the calendar hanging itself.
But I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who've left, there's a few that stayed,
And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

Thank you thank you thank you I love you<3
What a good week. I truly needed that.
See you in three weeks :)

P.S. I crossed off everything in my last entry which I got to do/see/experience this past week. I'm really happy with how much got crossed off.

I miss

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 04:24:53 GMT

~~My parents~~
~~My siblings~~
~~Kate and Joshua and Addie and everyone~~
~~My Honeybear, who isn't texting me~~
Tanka, as usual
~~No worries/stress~~
~~When I had time to read a book~~
~~Anyone who understands me when I get like this~~
~~Cuddling~~
Philly
Getting lost at shows, metaphorically
The boys, sans girls
The trestle, the field, and chiller, happier times
~~Going to diners~~
~~Wawa~~
~~Auntie Anne's and Kohr Bro's... yeah~~
Wildwood :)
~~Movie nights~~
More specifically, Boondock Saints every week
Latin things
~~TVAV room & Pridy~~
The good times with Mark... heh
Every time I was with BHayes
~~Photoshoots with Kate~~
~~Sitting in my backyard~~
~~Fires and tiki nights in my backyard~~
~~Being happy~~

I can't wait for November 25th <33

Go vote.

Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:25:05 GMT

Go now.

Dude

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 22:10:46 GMT

I miss everyone.
The friends I've made here are amazing. But goddamnit we're getting tired of each other.
I miss my Kate and my Joshua, I can do absolutely nothing with you guys and we couldn't give a shit. It's like everyone here is waiting to be impressed every night. I'm so tired of hearing them talk about pot.
And I miss the whole crew. Movie nights here could never beat ours.

I got momentarily involved with the guy who lives next door, but you can see how long that lasted. I've been here, what, a week and a half? Haha. I was really excited for that time that I'd finallyyy be able to be in a working relationship. I should stop deluding myself. The kid doesn't even know how to act around a girl.

It rains too much.

Besides all that I'm having an amazing time. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. I have a lot of fun and even when I'm doing nothing I'm chill. I have all this sweet free time.

But I'd really like to transplant my old life into my new one. Just a little bit.

<3 Love you miss you. Come visit me! I'm lacking in transportation. I haven't been off campus since I got here.

And so,

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 03:07:58 GMT

with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had the familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.

hey guess what

Wed, 21 May 2008 02:21:45 GMT

we can have movie night at our house again... and joshua and i don't have work on friday. so i expect to see all of you at my house this friday night. reservoir dogs and whatever else you feel like bringing. :)

while i'm inviting people places, our graduation party will be in july, sometime after july 8th. hopefully between july 8 and july 15 for my own reasons. :) woohoo.

BE THERE.

kthanks.

i miss hanging out with everyone <33

Pre-Graduation Nostalgia

Thu, 08 May 2008 02:07:38 GMT

I miss the dog. Goddamn dog. My Tanka doggy. Puffy.

I miss Mark. I want him back home now.

My memory disappoints me more every day... I hope my photography suffices to provide me with an account of the past few years. I won't remember it soon enough.

My brother is leaving for college two weeks before I am. I'll be alone in my house, the ultimate example of the youngest child. And then I'll be alone, without Col. That's weird. To reference Cat's Eye, the older brother may not care that much about hanging out with her, but the little sister has only ever known hanging out with him. It's all she remembers. I don't see my parents a whole lot of the time anymore, and I haven't known any of my friends for more than six years. Seventeen years is a lot.

The crowds at shows are getting worse and it's just another reminder that my crowd is moving on. First the fields, now this. Bollocks.

Miss you.

Well

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 02:10:53 GMT

la de da.

No fights

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 05:15:33 GMT

Just this:

If I have failed as a friend in any way, I apologize. I have never, ever, once in my life been conniving. I have never tried to manipulate anyone. My mind simply does not work that way, and when others do it, I get very confused. I don't see the point. If you knew my philosophy on life, you'd understand: I do not care. I don't care about people and myself enough to ever intentionally be cruel to anyone, to hate someone. I don't care enough to hate. I don't get the point of it. So mostly, I just try to be a good friend. Anything that doesn't work out, was all an accident. I'm impatient, I'm rash, and I'm impulsive. I don't think of others a lot because I don't think of myself a lot. Not a lot of thinking goes on, honestly. Not that type at least.

I don't know if I'm completely missing the point here or something, I'm mostly just pouring my brain out onto the computer. It was never my objective to hurt anyone or cause any divisions. So, yeah, I'm sorry. For whatever may have been done. Just know that I appreciate being told to my face when I mess up. Because, like I said, it's always subconsciously done. I'm usually unaware.

There are some people I said I don't want to talk to anymore. That's because I'm a simple person and your life weighs too heavily on my mind. More than anyone's ever should. I care for some people too much and at some point I can't deal with their shit anymore. I stand by my statement; I just want to live simply and in peace. If you want to talk things out with me, I am perfectly fine with that. I wish you would. But after that, I'm done. I just can't stand pointless hatred. And I want things resolved.

That's basically how I feel. If that made you angrier, then you don't understand me one bit and it doesn't matter at all to me how you feel toward me. Hopefully it lessens the anger, though. This is me, this is who I've always been.

Peace

Allow me to fit in and also be cliche

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 01:56:00 GMT

Things don't work
People always leave
Relationships are hard
Age is bullshit
I wish I could drive
I wish I could fucking breathe

On the plus side, I think I convinced my parents to take me to a doctor FUCKING FINALLY.

Shrug

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:10:35 GMT

Wassuppppp. I don't use livejournal. I dunno. I felt like it tonight.

Let's do it Kevin-esque, for old time's sake.

Bukowski is the shit. But I need something slightly less obvious for this poetry paper.

School is dumb. Senioritis yay.

School + work + friends + photography + spare time things like reading and drawing = not enough time in Jolie's life.

I love being free.

On that note, Zachary is adorb. And I'm still in love with being free.

I can text anyone with verizon nonstop now. Yay!

Please buy hoagies from me/donate to the Emmanuel Cancer Foundation via me. I'm trying to be super president of Latin here.

Bob Dylan is amazing.

Gogol Bordello March 1st!

I love my friends, I love my camera, I love my life.

Sleep now :]

wtf?

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 16:46:14 GMT

So I deleted my other livejournal, but then realized that I can't read anyone else's livejournals, so I'm using my old one again, mostly just to creep around. But I had such a fantastic day, I thought I'd write about it and let you all know. :]

So, first of all, I had a nice, hot shower. That was pleasant.
When I get out of said shower, my mom hands me my letters from Ramapo - not only did I get in, but I got the Presidential Scholarship, which meeeans the entire cost of the tuition and board are paid for :] Now I would love to go to UArts and be an artsy kid with my lovely Kate, but Ramapo is an awesome college, and I know the area so well, and it's far enough away from home, and I really don't think UArts is going to give me any kind of free ride. I mean, I'm slightly conflicted because art is all I care about, so shouldn't I be going to an art school? But Ramapo is pretty fantastic.

Brian Hayesss came home yesterday! He's so tiny, he lost 50 lbs including his hair. :] But he's exactly the same old Brian, my big brother, my goofy boy. And yesterday was so good with everyone because, even though most of those people hate each other, we all pretended like nothing was wrong because Brian was home and we were all just so happy about that. I was at his house before and after the show I went to, and I just stayed over night. Such a good time :] everyone was just in a bangin' mood, except for the people being harassed by Brian's mom, haha. She's crazy. Brian and I fell asleep watching Jarhead. Good tiiimes.

And the show was fuckin awesome, I do love my Big D. We missed a lot of the opening band, who were surprisingly very good (but not as good on CD, we discovered). Cami and Jake D. were there, so that was cool. And we got some free Red Bulls on our walk there, which was fantastic. Although Big D ended up playing a lot of songs I don't really know, it was still awesome. Only injuries were: some kid brought his elbow down on top of my head while we were skanking and I bit my tongue really hard, and some kid in the mosh pit fell down into my knee and I'm really feeling it today. But I'm always proud of any pit injuries I get :]

Some other good news would be that I'm looking into exactly what DSLR I want so that I can purchase it sometime very soon. I'm leaning toward the Olympus Evolt e-510. And, I have some good, solid plans of going to both California and Hawaii this summer :] I can't fucking wait.

Peace yo.

may you find some comfort here

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 06:21:28 GMT

    My summer started out with my boyfriend, my best friend, my heart leaving me for what was supposed to be three months and turned into nearly four. I didn't know what it was like to have anyone close to you, any big part of you just leave and not be in your life anymore. That feeling just didn't... make any sense to me. I couldn't comprehend it. I get it now. You completely lose your place in this world, your feelings are transformed, you need to find strength and keep your loyal friends close. It took me a little too long to realize all this, but you gotta move on with things. Lost friends can only be that: lost. If they couldn't stick with you through the tough times they weren't worth it to begin with. Anyway, as I was saying, my summer basically began with me becoming slowly fucked up, and there was no way to fix that. No matter how much people wish you to be the way you were, some things just can't be changed and you get goddamn tired of hearing it from them. So I was set up to be disappointed with my summer.
    I did that whole drama-filled partying kind of summer that I guess most teenagers tend to have and I was wondering when it would come. I did my best to stay out of the drama part of it because all I was really in for was some good times with good people, but I should have counted that out as soon as I realized they weren't very good people to begin with. You just get dragged down in everything, stuff you didn't start, stuff you're not even a part of. They will find a way and they will make you feel like shit and they are poison. And I don't need it, any of it. So I started and ended my partying this summer, and I stopped a year-long routine of heading to the fields everyday. Besides that, I just can't be around people who are doing nothing with their lives. Maybe some aspirations or goals, but nothing that's ever really worked toward. They sit around trashing each other, including the ones who got out, the ones who are making themselves, and they became nothing more than older than they were. Here's what I want everyone to know: You don't talk to me about Mark unless you're saying something good and worthwhile. I don't want to hear your shit, your burns, your hatred for him. I don't want to hear your opinion on him, really, at all. It's gotten old and it just hurts me a lot.
    And basically, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Can't fit in with people I hate, can't fit in with people who don't answer my calls, can't even fit in at work. For the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to cry too much. I just wanted to fucking stop. Every time it started I got so angry at myself because I was so tired of it. I'm tired of feeling the way I have, because I beat myself up over stupid people. And the fact that I can't fit in. That no one wants me in their friends anymore. Can't even fucking crawl into my babe's arms, people. I had no one to turn to. I had Kate. And I guess she's the only one who paid attention when I begged everyone to keep my mind busy at the beginning of the summer. "It's going to be fucking terrible, I need everyone to keep me happy."
    Well I was right. It was pretty terrible.
    But I just wanted to say that it's all behind me. And this is my senior year, and I'm basically going to be working or doing school work or organizing for clubs or anything besides drama. I will improve my life and try to figure out where the hell I fit into the world. And continue figuring out who my friends are. That's what the whole point of this was, to tell everyone what my summer was really like, if they cared to listen, and how much I do hope I can get to school fast and leave it all behind.

All right.
Night.

graduation tomorrow

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 22:23:22 GMT

i'm gonna miss those kids.

ooh fucking rah.

:]

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 03:15:46 GMT

I love you.

this is all you get.

Thu, 17 May 2007 01:15:54 GMT

soaked hard hot concrete under my feet, light yellow green grass and wet brown black trees, like from another country that i belong to because it all makes me smile in a way that these same places usually can't. so familiar, that temperature of that rain water pooling into my flip flops, like summers ago. summer. everything comes back, water rushes forward, low air conditioning hum over the heat of the town. little things like how the parked cars all point the same way on a one way street, water bottled in peoples' windows, little dogs. everything is poetic, comes in verses in my head, everything in meter, sounding like rhymes against the cavities of my head. the birds and the cars and the rain on the ground and roofs make a symphony. but a song runs through my head all the time - three songs, with the same soft tinkling melody, then branching off into three different ones. a heart full of love. and motion sickness. and dust in the wind. but out of all this beauty that i feel from the earth, i can't seem to find a place to believe that i fit into it all. it's all so alive and gorgeous and i can love it, but i can't be part of it. and so i head home, with my shoes in my hand and my heart in my feet and i pass the school and that little dog who followed us all our lives from one end of the fence to the next has been replaced by another dog, louder and skinnier, but equally as eager to threaten each passing kid. i had gotten used to the old dog, who i guess had learned after so many years of chasing the same children down the same length of fence every single day that it didn't mean anything, and she might as well just learn to watch it all go by. but i guess that's what it's all about; you grow old and you let things go and it all starts over again. but first you have to let it go. you have to let that summer go. you have to let that love go.

Hi!

Mon, 07 May 2007 03:07:03 GMT

I'm not talking about me anymore, expect a void where my LJ entries used to be on your Friend's page.

Peace.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 21:46:53 GMT

I haven't had self-esteem issues in a very long time; in fact, i tend to be rather conceited. But lately I have looked terrible for whatever reason and I hate everything about me. Yay! I need new clothes, I need my hair to be like it used to be, I need to not look like I got hit by a truck at all times. Unfortunately I suck at making myself look better.

Oh and I forgot what loneliness feels like.
Yeah wow it sucks.

And I think I gave up on school.

Not existing anymore would be cool.

I love everyone.
(Except Beth's cousin Sandra who thinks I'm the ugliest thing she's ever seen, she can suck a fuck.)

I even love Beth and her bebe because I took some amazing pictures of them today.

And it's always fun to talk about how much Mark sucks with Beth. :]

PEACE!

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 02:06:09 GMT

Something which plagues us all (which Amanda reassured me of; it's not just me) is the inclination to relationships in which the love is unbalanced. It seems impossible to find a happy medium, where you love someone as much as they love you. Even when two people are together, a lot of times there is one person who is much more in love and indebted to the relationship than the other. In my case, one person was ridiculously crazy about the other, who was simply interested, but not attached at all. If anyone wasn't aware, that kind of relationship hurts like hell at all times - even when it's good, because you're always left without a full heart. Then there are the relationships where you know someone's in love with you, but you just can't return it. And that seems to happen so much. And there's nothing you can do. And once again, if you're like me, you will lead that person on until you can't stand them because they are always around, convinced you're in love too. Nothing ever works. And no one ever seems to fall in love with you the same amount you fall in love with them. Timing fucks things up, other relationships fuck things up, little things fuck things up. And yet it's one thing I incredibly want right now: you know, to love and to be loved. Because I've never had that right. And if I don't get it, I will continue these fucked up relationships and I will become more fucked up myself.

But hey, I'm pretty good at leading people on. And I'm pretty good at falling for people who don't really love me and getting hurt. Why bother changing, especially when there's no one to change for.

I'm content, by the way. Pretty much. Don't go thinking I'm depressed again. Another thing I realized recently is that I don't remember being this okay with things in a long time, because of Mark. Even when I was happy with him and things were good, I was always trying to fill the void in where he kept a distance from me. Always trying to be happier, because I didn't know what it was like. It's spring again and I remember how it feels so warm and I love just standing outside and looking around and I have a gorgeous camera now which I can be in love with and it will keep me company through my loneliness :]

The rest of you kiddos, smile.

Hit the switch

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 21:29:17 GMT

do me a favor, stop asking how i'm doing. i'm done telling people things. you people don't deserve that shit.

I just feel like I have a lot to write down

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 01:41:34 GMT

UPDATE. I convinced Conn not to run with Yianni for the presidency next year, so we're good :] Conn's running for VP and I think that it wasn't too hard to convince him to back off from president. We all know Yianni would be terrible. & My update mood is happy. I am good right now :] Things are good. I am not looking forward to Mark leaving, that was kind of mean. I'm probably in denial about it. I'll probably be in denial even after he leaves. Damn I have a headache. Mark accidentally poked me in the eye. Stupido. :] END UPDATE.

Let's see. I'm a Latin tutor now for Kristin Caraker; I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do with that. Yeah I don't know how to be a tutor. I'm kind of hoping she'll just come to me with work and I'll just go from there. Honestly, I don't do anything for that class except make flashcards when I need to know vocab. Look, I can teach you how to cut flashcards out! Amazing. Poor kid.

I'm probably not gonna be President of Latin club next year, like I'd hoped. Complete bullshit. I hate this popularity shit. Liz and I should have it easy: she's the president this year, I'm vice president, and I've been in every other freaking office there is. If Gateway is hosting State Convention next year, which is the plan, we're the most competent people to run it. But Conn and Yianni are running against us. And thanks to their siblings, they basically have every class's vote except the Latin V. I hate people. This shouldn't bug me that much. Or maybe it should. I have a bad scale of what bothers me and what should. Maybe I just shouldn't run for President; I'll stick to secretary since I'm the best one we've got. Seriously, people, try a course in grammar maybe before you write minutes, or maybe try spellcheck. It's there for a reason. There hasn't been a single year that the minutes were even close to decent besides when I did them. I'm a bitch.

I won't be attending prom. I hate it, I hate getting dressed up, I hate dress shopping, I do not have the money for all these things, nor do I want to ask my parents. I don't have a date, I don't want a date because there are only about four guys I'd be able to tolerate all night, and they are all taken/not going. I think prom is ridiculous and I would much rather sit around with my friends elsewhere, where I'm permitted to wear whatever the fuck I want and I don't have to pay $70 to dance in a huge place (which would disgust me anyway) and eat shitty food.

Can you tell I'm bitter?

I have about a month until my birthday, and I'm actually excited about that. I don't know why. Maybe because it gives me something to look forward to, which I haven't had in a very long time. I used to find an event that would be coming up in the next week or so, and just think about that to get through all the boring, bad stuff. It could be as little as hanging out with someone to some big party or trip or whatever. But now I try very hard not to think about the future. Keep your head down, just keep going with each day. There's this huge block in my head that keeps everything away from the future. It's really not possible for me to think about it. Because I know there's nothing there for me. However I'm starting to look forward to Mark leaving on July 9th. I can be done with this depressing dramatic bullshit. I don't know how everyone else deals with this stuff. Don't tell me, I don't really care. I'm getting sharpies and a Bright Eyes album, and I think that's it. I'm buying a DSLR and an SLR myself, I have money in the bank for it. And I can get some really excellent ones then without having to be on such a tight budget. Sharpies and a CD are all I need I guess.

I have some sort of personal eating problem where I really detest eating anything we have in this house, because it's all so boring and repetitive. And I just don't like being home anyway. So if I'm over your house, I'm excusing myself ahead of time for attacking all your food. I'm starving right now. And my dad just asked me if I was hungry. And I shrugged. Starving.

I would like to be very far away right now. Far away from my house, far away from my town, far away from Mark and stupid bitches and cocaine and school and this fucking weather. One of these days I'm just walking out of here. See how far I can get.

Fuck it.

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 04:44:08 GMT

in beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle of these lives which are completely meaningless.
help me stay awake, i'm falling
asleep in perfect blue buildings
beside the green apple sea.
i wanna get me a little oblivion, baby
and try to keep myself away from me.

well i got bones beneath my skin, mister.
there's a skeleton in every man's house.
beneath the dust and love and sweat that hang on everybody is a dead man trying to get out.
so please help me stay awake.

so, remember when pridy said i was addicted to pain?
of course you don't, you weren't there, it was just me and him.
well maybe he's right.
because what gives me the most pleasure simultaneously gives me the most pain.
sorry i just like it too much.
uhm.
i need sharpies.
anyway. everyone's coming home tomorrow. maybe i'll feel better. for you kids returning, i can't tell you how much i missed you.
i'm killing south jersey.

peace.

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 19:29:11 GMT

someone tell me why i'm here and what the purpose of living is.
i know there's no answer that will suffice.
but at the same time it seems impossible that we've all been conned into this meaningless life.
as if, there's gotta be something.

really it's just the monotony lately and certain situations which continue to trap me.
but there just seems to be no change, nothing out there to really do. the world will keep spinning and i will keep up the routine. i don't just mean a day to day routine, i mean the same things i keep falling into. and when i'm in it, i see no problem, but when i look at the grand scheme of things, i want to erase it all, it's so dumb.

i am a silly, lazy person.
i wish i could write, i'd have so much to write.
i wish i had things to photograph. i wish i had a decent camera to photograph them with.
i wish there was someone around better than you.

i hate the computer. i should really stop using it.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have low conscientiousness.
Impulsive and off the wall, you don't take life too seriously.
Unfortunately, you sometimes end up regretting your snap decisions.
Overall, you tend to lack focus, and it's difficult for you to get important things done.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

kevin-esque mood

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 00:40:30 GMT

-there was way too much peanut butter in that ice cream, i'm gonna puke
-my dad got laid off
-thus, i'm preparing myself for the possibility of not getting a DSLR for my birthday
-i have a funeral to go to saturday
-i realized that i don't cry for the deceased, i cry for the people left without them
-yay lots of crying
-i'm going to New York with my sister on Monday until Saturday :]
-hope to come back with lots of gorgeous photography
-i got a 1360/1600 on my SATs
-i'm not particularily happy with that
-so, i'm considering skipping the NYC trip on June 2nd so I have more opportunities to take the SATs if I need them
-we probably don't have money for a trip to NYC anyway
-i actually just looked up the Bloustein scholarship, and you need to get 1260 or above, so i'm actually good.
-middle schoolers are... feh
-i need to see rancid again
-or any show
-taste of peanut butter still in my mouth
-i don't know what i want anymore
-jane eyre is eerily a reflection of myself
-sigh mark is dumb.

peace.

EDIT. And though I'm trying not to think about it, I will miss my friends like fucking crazy. :[